God has been so good to me

God has been so good to me this summer. In my last post I told you about my growing conviction in regards to my children's schooling. Well, I also had another growing conviction that I put into practice over the summer. Veiling.

Now, I have to say, this one really was, or really seemed, to be my own personal conviction. It wasn't necessarily anything I felt God was asking me to do, but I was thinking it might be a nice thing to do for God. I was attracted to the things other people said about it; that it reminded them of their humility, that it was a practice of modesty, that they were moved by Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 11:

For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; nor was man created
for woman, but woman for man; for this reason a woman should have a sign of
authority on her head, because of the angels... (verses 7-10)

I didn't necessarily believe that it is was something that had to be done, I wasn't going to do it for the rules, and I wasn't going to do it for modesty, and, to be honest, I wasn't even clear on what Paul was really trying to say in his letter to the Corinthians. What really appealed to me, in the end, was that it was a tangible sign of my love for God, and a sign that I understood my place before God. Yes, He is my Father, my Abba, my daddy, but He is also my creator and I am humble before Him. And so I really loved the idea of a visible sign of that. Especially for my children to see, because I think anything that impresses upon them that the Mass is a special and different, reverent and mysterious thing, is a good thing. They spend way too much time acting as though Mass were commonplace and as comfortable as their own living room, if you know what I mean.

So this summer I began covering. I bought this beautiful covering from Garland's of Grace because I thought that a kerchief would be less obvious and I wouldn't stick out so much. As it was, I did decide that the headband affect wasn't covering enough for an offering, so I started right off the bat wearing it kerchief style. Let me tell you, I was so uncomfortable. I vacillated between feeling embarrassed and proud. I hated that. I started wondering if it was actually bad for me, especially since I would have these moments of pride, like when I imagined the guest priest was looking at me approvingly or something. Oh! I detested that blackness in my heart so much. But I was determined to muddle through and I was still convicted that this was a great outward sign of my love for God. So I kept praying to have a right and humbled heart, and I kept praying that my offering of this sign would be pleasing to Him (without it's being so darn pleasing to me), and that it would, in fact, impress upon my children the importance and specialness of the Mass.
Soon I had an answer to at least one of my requests.

My mother, who really is not religious in any way, came by my house one day during the summer and said she had a gift for me. She had been out shopping at flea markets when she came across this beautiful antique lace chapel veil. For some reason, she said, she felt a strong urge to buy it for me. Then she took it out of the bag and presented it to me. Now you have to understand something. My mother had NO IDEA that I was covering. None whatsoever. She still doesn't. Because I was so amazed at the gift, so completely in awe that God had given me back a visible sign of His love and approval, that I didn't even bother to tell her. I could barely speak. Because I knew right then and there that He was happy with my offering to Him and wanted me to know it. Now I have been wearing the black chapel veil to each Mass and, unlike the cute little chiffon kerchief, there is no mistaking my intention in wearing it. I still feel self conscious that I am sticking out like a sore thumb, and I still have my brief moments of pride that I fight, but I am so much more at ease. And those negative feelings in my heart are brief and pass quickly. I can feel my heart changing and I know that the Lord is working inside of me and molding me to His image. He has his work cut out for Him. But I am so happy that He liked my gift.