I think I may have mentioned it before but, in case you're new or you've forgotten (as I would have), I have a wandering mind. Because of this, traditional prayer - you know: on my knees, maybe Rosary in hand, contemplative, etc. - has always been a challenge for me. I love Jesus, but no matter how hard I try to focus on the Joyful mysteries, or whatever, I will hit that last Hail Mary bead realizing that I have been thinking about my shopping list, or the dog barking outside, or what car my high school boyfriend drove, the entire time my mouth was moving. It's really bad, but I just cannot concentrate on the prayer. So I started trying some new ways to pray.
I decided I was going to start writing my prayers down. I bought a cute little journal and every night I started filling it with my prayers. It works! Putting pen to paper keeps my focus on what I am saying/writing. I've even started carrying the journal in my purse so I can write intentions down immediately and then go over them again later, possibly even rewriting them. I really love doing this. Recently I took the journal to Adoration with me. I felt sort of weird writing at first but it was so peaceful and my head felt clear for the first time. Usually I spend my entire holy hour with the Blessed Sacrament worrying about "am I praying right?" or "am I forgetting anything?", or "what car did my high school boyfriend drive again?" Like I said, my mind wanders.
Shortly after I started this practice I was sitting and writing one evening when I had a sudden urge to draw. I went and hunted up my kids drawing paper and some colored pencils. I sat down and drew the Baptism of Jesus. Now, although I took umpteen art classes in high school and college, I am not by any means an artist. And my drawing ended up looking a bit like one of my kids churned it out, but I loved doing it and I realized that in drawing I was also sort of praying! Now I am working my way through all the mysteries of the Rosary and when that's done I think I will do the Stations of the Cross.
I love coming up with new ways to pray! It's really helping my prayer life a great deal. I have always made it a habit to keep up a running commentary with Jesus throughout the day, but I had pretty much abandoned any serious quiet time with the Lord because that was when my head hummed the loudest. By using my hands too, I have found a way to finally keep my head quiet. I would love to know if anyone else has creative ways to pray, or other tips for quieting a wandering mind....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Unplugged?
We are thinking about getting rid of our satellite TV. The idea is that we could watch the shows we like either via the Internet or by renting them through Netflix, which we are currently not subscribed too. I think I am the last person on earth to think of this idea. Or, at least, I know it's not original, but it would be a pretty major thing for us. We are not exactly TV addicts and we are pretty careful about what we watch, but still, we watch. I think my husband and children will be hit the hardest. My husband because he loves sports so much and my children because they do not remember a world before TiVo. And the fact that we only have 2 computers, which all the children share, so that would definitely hamper viewing time. I mean the monitor screen is only so big.
Obviously, the main thing here is the savings. It would cost us significantly less to pay for a Netflix subscription then what we pay for satellite TV in 3 rooms and TiVo on 2 of them. But the other appeal is the greater control it would give us over what the kids watch. They don't watch anything too terrible, but still I am not fond of iCarly or Big Time Rush. My children are probably going to end up having to pay for years of psychotherapy from my inconsistent parenting in the TV show department. I waver between not wanting them to see these shows that have teen content and not wanting them to be lame at school. So I do what I imagine is probably the worst possible thing a parent can do: I give them permission to watch these shows and then nag them constantly about how terrible their taste in TV viewing is and how inappropriate their shows are. Talk about mixed messages! "If it's so bad mom, why aren't you making us turn it off?" is what I am sure they are thinking. Does anyone else do this? I know that is so stupid of me and makes no sense at all, but I can't seem to stop it. Of course they could still watch iCarly on the Internet, but they will probably watch far less of it.
The other big TV issue lately is my 10 year old's new found love of wrestling. To be honest with you, I don't mind the violence at all. I mean guys wrestling, well, that's just some testosterone thing I assume. But what I hate about WWE is the ongoing theme of revenge against your "enemies" and the scantily clad women. My son totally gets that it is all staged and fake, but still, I hear things come out of his mouth now that I can't stand, such as, "you wanna piece a me?" said to his 6 year old brother. He's just imitating this obnoxious attitude right now, but I am waiting for it to crop up in real life so I have a reason to ban wrestling for a few weeks or so. My husband hates it too. But again, we are the most inconsistent parents ever, because my heart was literally torn in two 3 months ago when he came and asked if he could please watch wrestling because his little group of friends (who are a very very nice groups of boys) were all into it and he was starting to feel really left out because they would have conversations and then stop and look at him uncomfortably and change the subject because they all knew he wasn't allowed to watch it. I didn't want him to feel like the outcast. And I also wanted to reward him for coming to us and talking about it instead of just going and watching it at his friends' houses behind our back. So we said he could watch it. But it's just another thing that I nag him about.
Anyway, I am thinking that getting rid of the TV will help with some of this. Have any of you, my readers, done away with your cable or satellite television? I'd like to get some first hand advice if you have any. My husband thinks he read somewhere that you can actually hook the Internet up to your TV or something? I really have no idea, but if anyone out there can share their experience that would be awesome!
Obviously, the main thing here is the savings. It would cost us significantly less to pay for a Netflix subscription then what we pay for satellite TV in 3 rooms and TiVo on 2 of them. But the other appeal is the greater control it would give us over what the kids watch. They don't watch anything too terrible, but still I am not fond of iCarly or Big Time Rush. My children are probably going to end up having to pay for years of psychotherapy from my inconsistent parenting in the TV show department. I waver between not wanting them to see these shows that have teen content and not wanting them to be lame at school. So I do what I imagine is probably the worst possible thing a parent can do: I give them permission to watch these shows and then nag them constantly about how terrible their taste in TV viewing is and how inappropriate their shows are. Talk about mixed messages! "If it's so bad mom, why aren't you making us turn it off?" is what I am sure they are thinking. Does anyone else do this? I know that is so stupid of me and makes no sense at all, but I can't seem to stop it. Of course they could still watch iCarly on the Internet, but they will probably watch far less of it.
The other big TV issue lately is my 10 year old's new found love of wrestling. To be honest with you, I don't mind the violence at all. I mean guys wrestling, well, that's just some testosterone thing I assume. But what I hate about WWE is the ongoing theme of revenge against your "enemies" and the scantily clad women. My son totally gets that it is all staged and fake, but still, I hear things come out of his mouth now that I can't stand, such as, "you wanna piece a me?" said to his 6 year old brother. He's just imitating this obnoxious attitude right now, but I am waiting for it to crop up in real life so I have a reason to ban wrestling for a few weeks or so. My husband hates it too. But again, we are the most inconsistent parents ever, because my heart was literally torn in two 3 months ago when he came and asked if he could please watch wrestling because his little group of friends (who are a very very nice groups of boys) were all into it and he was starting to feel really left out because they would have conversations and then stop and look at him uncomfortably and change the subject because they all knew he wasn't allowed to watch it. I didn't want him to feel like the outcast. And I also wanted to reward him for coming to us and talking about it instead of just going and watching it at his friends' houses behind our back. So we said he could watch it. But it's just another thing that I nag him about.
Anyway, I am thinking that getting rid of the TV will help with some of this. Have any of you, my readers, done away with your cable or satellite television? I'd like to get some first hand advice if you have any. My husband thinks he read somewhere that you can actually hook the Internet up to your TV or something? I really have no idea, but if anyone out there can share their experience that would be awesome!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
What passes for fundraising around here
I'm hanging out in my backyard drinking a beer. I love technology!!
My husband took my boys to wash cars today, part of a fundraiser for the cub scouts. They had some competition across the street. Some high school girls were across the street washing cars to raise money for their sports team. Get this: my husband said they were all wearing bikinis!! And basically standing on the sidewalk soliciting cars. WHAT parents are allowing this??? I said to my husband, "Do any of these girls have fathers???". This is the world folks. This is the world we are contending with, fighting against, fighting to teach our children decency and morals. My kids were too little to see or care but what do you say to your teenage son about bikini clad teens washing cars? I can tell you that if this is what passes for ok with local high school families my children are never going back into the public school system. I will live in a cardboard box first to pay for Catholic school.
On the positive side my husband said the scouts had more customers. Maybe everyone else was offended too. I sure hope so. God help us when we no longer are.
Sent from my iPod
My husband took my boys to wash cars today, part of a fundraiser for the cub scouts. They had some competition across the street. Some high school girls were across the street washing cars to raise money for their sports team. Get this: my husband said they were all wearing bikinis!! And basically standing on the sidewalk soliciting cars. WHAT parents are allowing this??? I said to my husband, "Do any of these girls have fathers???". This is the world folks. This is the world we are contending with, fighting against, fighting to teach our children decency and morals. My kids were too little to see or care but what do you say to your teenage son about bikini clad teens washing cars? I can tell you that if this is what passes for ok with local high school families my children are never going back into the public school system. I will live in a cardboard box first to pay for Catholic school.
On the positive side my husband said the scouts had more customers. Maybe everyone else was offended too. I sure hope so. God help us when we no longer are.
Sent from my iPod
Thursday, August 19, 2010
God has been so good to me
God has been so good to me this summer. In my last post I told you about my growing conviction in regards to my children's schooling. Well, I also had another growing conviction that I put into practice over the summer. Veiling.
Now, I have to say, this one really was, or really seemed, to be my own personal conviction. It wasn't necessarily anything I felt God was asking me to do, but I was thinking it might be a nice thing to do for God. I was attracted to the things other people said about it; that it reminded them of their humility, that it was a practice of modesty, that they were moved by Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 11:
I didn't necessarily believe that it is was something that had to be done, I wasn't going to do it for the rules, and I wasn't going to do it for modesty, and, to be honest, I wasn't even clear on what Paul was really trying to say in his letter to the Corinthians. What really appealed to me, in the end, was that it was a tangible sign of my love for God, and a sign that I understood my place before God. Yes, He is my Father, my Abba, my daddy, but He is also my creator and I am humble before Him. And so I really loved the idea of a visible sign of that. Especially for my children to see, because I think anything that impresses upon them that the Mass is a special and different, reverent and mysterious thing, is a good thing. They spend way too much time acting as though Mass were commonplace and as comfortable as their own living room, if you know what I mean.
So this summer I began covering. I bought this beautiful covering from Garland's of Grace because I thought that a kerchief would be less obvious and I wouldn't stick out so much. As it was, I did decide that the headband affect wasn't covering enough for an offering, so I started right off the bat wearing it kerchief style. Let me tell you, I was so uncomfortable. I vacillated between feeling embarrassed and proud. I hated that. I started wondering if it was actually bad for me, especially since I would have these moments of pride, like when I imagined the guest priest was looking at me approvingly or something. Oh! I detested that blackness in my heart so much. But I was determined to muddle through and I was still convicted that this was a great outward sign of my love for God. So I kept praying to have a right and humbled heart, and I kept praying that my offering of this sign would be pleasing to Him (without it's being so darn pleasing to me), and that it would, in fact, impress upon my children the importance and specialness of the Mass.
Soon I had an answer to at least one of my requests.
My mother, who really is not religious in any way, came by my house one day during the summer and said she had a gift for me. She had been out shopping at flea markets when she came across this beautiful antique lace chapel veil. For some reason, she said, she felt a strong urge to buy it for me. Then she took it out of the bag and presented it to me. Now you have to understand something. My mother had NO IDEA that I was covering. None whatsoever. She still doesn't. Because I was so amazed at the gift, so completely in awe that God had given me back a visible sign of His love and approval, that I didn't even bother to tell her. I could barely speak. Because I knew right then and there that He was happy with my offering to Him and wanted me to know it. Now I have been wearing the black chapel veil to each Mass and, unlike the cute little chiffon kerchief, there is no mistaking my intention in wearing it. I still feel self conscious that I am sticking out like a sore thumb, and I still have my brief moments of pride that I fight, but I am so much more at ease. And those negative feelings in my heart are brief and pass quickly. I can feel my heart changing and I know that the Lord is working inside of me and molding me to His image. He has his work cut out for Him. But I am so happy that He liked my gift.
Now, I have to say, this one really was, or really seemed, to be my own personal conviction. It wasn't necessarily anything I felt God was asking me to do, but I was thinking it might be a nice thing to do for God. I was attracted to the things other people said about it; that it reminded them of their humility, that it was a practice of modesty, that they were moved by Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 11:
For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; nor was man created
for woman, but woman for man; for this reason a woman should have a sign of
authority on her head, because of the angels... (verses 7-10)
I didn't necessarily believe that it is was something that had to be done, I wasn't going to do it for the rules, and I wasn't going to do it for modesty, and, to be honest, I wasn't even clear on what Paul was really trying to say in his letter to the Corinthians. What really appealed to me, in the end, was that it was a tangible sign of my love for God, and a sign that I understood my place before God. Yes, He is my Father, my Abba, my daddy, but He is also my creator and I am humble before Him. And so I really loved the idea of a visible sign of that. Especially for my children to see, because I think anything that impresses upon them that the Mass is a special and different, reverent and mysterious thing, is a good thing. They spend way too much time acting as though Mass were commonplace and as comfortable as their own living room, if you know what I mean.
So this summer I began covering. I bought this beautiful covering from Garland's of Grace because I thought that a kerchief would be less obvious and I wouldn't stick out so much. As it was, I did decide that the headband affect wasn't covering enough for an offering, so I started right off the bat wearing it kerchief style. Let me tell you, I was so uncomfortable. I vacillated between feeling embarrassed and proud. I hated that. I started wondering if it was actually bad for me, especially since I would have these moments of pride, like when I imagined the guest priest was looking at me approvingly or something. Oh! I detested that blackness in my heart so much. But I was determined to muddle through and I was still convicted that this was a great outward sign of my love for God. So I kept praying to have a right and humbled heart, and I kept praying that my offering of this sign would be pleasing to Him (without it's being so darn pleasing to me), and that it would, in fact, impress upon my children the importance and specialness of the Mass.
Soon I had an answer to at least one of my requests.
My mother, who really is not religious in any way, came by my house one day during the summer and said she had a gift for me. She had been out shopping at flea markets when she came across this beautiful antique lace chapel veil. For some reason, she said, she felt a strong urge to buy it for me. Then she took it out of the bag and presented it to me. Now you have to understand something. My mother had NO IDEA that I was covering. None whatsoever. She still doesn't. Because I was so amazed at the gift, so completely in awe that God had given me back a visible sign of His love and approval, that I didn't even bother to tell her. I could barely speak. Because I knew right then and there that He was happy with my offering to Him and wanted me to know it. Now I have been wearing the black chapel veil to each Mass and, unlike the cute little chiffon kerchief, there is no mistaking my intention in wearing it. I still feel self conscious that I am sticking out like a sore thumb, and I still have my brief moments of pride that I fight, but I am so much more at ease. And those negative feelings in my heart are brief and pass quickly. I can feel my heart changing and I know that the Lord is working inside of me and molding me to His image. He has his work cut out for Him. But I am so happy that He liked my gift.
Monday, August 16, 2010
We had some good news over the summer
If you know me, or if you have been reading this blog awhile, then you probably know that I have wrestled with the idea of homeschooling for years. I felt a growing conviction that I needed my kids out of public school. Catholic school was considered out of the question, as it was just something we knew we could not afford. But homeschooling scared the dickens out of me. I just wasn't sure I could get the job done right. So they stayed in the public school, year after year, while I fretted about it.
As time went on I felt this conviction getting stronger. For a long time I thought it was just my own idea and my admiration for those who do homeschool, and all of the fine families I have seen that homeschool, and all of the lovely children. But it still scared me. Then it got scarier. I started to realize that it wasn't my conviction at all - it was God's calling. Now many readers probably know exactly what I mean, but to some people I know I might just sound crazy. It's not like Jesus or Mary appeared to me in a vision and said, "get your kids out of public school," I just grew to understand that it was God telling me to get them out.
A little side note here: I don't think God has anything against public school. Please don't get me wrong on that. It's just that it wasn't part of His plan for my family.
But what to do about that? I started praying hard. One day I noticed an item in the church bulletin that the Catholic school right down the street was having an open house coming up on a day my husband happened to be home from work. So I decided we should go. My husband thought I was crazy because, like I said, we really had no idea how we could ever pay for it. But I insisted so we went. We loved it. LOVED it! But, the bad news was, most of the financial aid money, such as scholarships and Friends of Catholic Education, had already been given out in the spring. This was the end of May, a totally ludicrous time to decide to attempt this. But shortly after that a bulletin item appeared that our own parish had not allocated their aid yet to Catholic school families and the deadline to apply was coming up. So we took a long shot.
Now I have never been very good at putting things in God's hands. Oh I try, but I tend to snatch them right back. I am a worrier. But I prayed. I told Him, "Lord I am putting this in Your hands and I will not worry about it, but you HAVE to make it a clear sign. I can't be begging Paul to pay Peter trying to send my kids to this school. I need to know what You want." Done. I did it. I sat back and waited for my sign.
God has a sense of humor I think. About a week later a friend who homeschools, and who knew I was thinking about it, called up and said, "I know this is out of nowhere but the members of my homeschool co-op are over and I thought you just might want to drop by and meet everybody." I thought, that's it, that's my sign. I was so scared because I just didn't know if I could go through with the homeschooling. I didn't feel at peace, it didn't sit right, but I knew if God wanted me to do it then I would. So I went and met everyone. And they were lovely. Really great people, really great kids, but I was not at peace. I was confused because if this was my sign, why wasn't it clearer?
Fast forward a few more weeks. It is the day before I leave for vacation and the phone rings. It's the principal of this new school. She met with the Board and they have a financial aid offer for me. Who knew? Who knew the school had financial aid to give out? I didn't know. We still hadn't even applied to this school, though they knew we were interested and looking for aid from our parish. So she makes this offer, but I gotta get down there and apply and get all the paperwork in. The day before vacation. Somehow it got done and we left wondering what would happen next. And I still didn't feel that anything was clear. I hadn't received my sign. But a few days later, while I was on vacation, my cell phone rang. It was a call from our parish and they were going to be able to provide us with assistance too! And so now this was really happening, it was really within out reach! Bingo - my sign!!
I tell you, God has worked miracles for us here, because who would have thought there was any aid money left this late in the game? It's incredible! I have definitely learned how to put things in His hands now. It really is a bit like jumping off a cliff into blackness. I know applying to a school doesn't seem quite that drastic, but for us it was. We really were putting ourselves out into something that seemed out of our reach and we had no idea how it would work out. God can do anything, anything! So always listen, always trust His call. If He calls you He will equip you.
As time went on I felt this conviction getting stronger. For a long time I thought it was just my own idea and my admiration for those who do homeschool, and all of the fine families I have seen that homeschool, and all of the lovely children. But it still scared me. Then it got scarier. I started to realize that it wasn't my conviction at all - it was God's calling. Now many readers probably know exactly what I mean, but to some people I know I might just sound crazy. It's not like Jesus or Mary appeared to me in a vision and said, "get your kids out of public school," I just grew to understand that it was God telling me to get them out.
A little side note here: I don't think God has anything against public school. Please don't get me wrong on that. It's just that it wasn't part of His plan for my family.
But what to do about that? I started praying hard. One day I noticed an item in the church bulletin that the Catholic school right down the street was having an open house coming up on a day my husband happened to be home from work. So I decided we should go. My husband thought I was crazy because, like I said, we really had no idea how we could ever pay for it. But I insisted so we went. We loved it. LOVED it! But, the bad news was, most of the financial aid money, such as scholarships and Friends of Catholic Education, had already been given out in the spring. This was the end of May, a totally ludicrous time to decide to attempt this. But shortly after that a bulletin item appeared that our own parish had not allocated their aid yet to Catholic school families and the deadline to apply was coming up. So we took a long shot.
Now I have never been very good at putting things in God's hands. Oh I try, but I tend to snatch them right back. I am a worrier. But I prayed. I told Him, "Lord I am putting this in Your hands and I will not worry about it, but you HAVE to make it a clear sign. I can't be begging Paul to pay Peter trying to send my kids to this school. I need to know what You want." Done. I did it. I sat back and waited for my sign.
God has a sense of humor I think. About a week later a friend who homeschools, and who knew I was thinking about it, called up and said, "I know this is out of nowhere but the members of my homeschool co-op are over and I thought you just might want to drop by and meet everybody." I thought, that's it, that's my sign. I was so scared because I just didn't know if I could go through with the homeschooling. I didn't feel at peace, it didn't sit right, but I knew if God wanted me to do it then I would. So I went and met everyone. And they were lovely. Really great people, really great kids, but I was not at peace. I was confused because if this was my sign, why wasn't it clearer?
Fast forward a few more weeks. It is the day before I leave for vacation and the phone rings. It's the principal of this new school. She met with the Board and they have a financial aid offer for me. Who knew? Who knew the school had financial aid to give out? I didn't know. We still hadn't even applied to this school, though they knew we were interested and looking for aid from our parish. So she makes this offer, but I gotta get down there and apply and get all the paperwork in. The day before vacation. Somehow it got done and we left wondering what would happen next. And I still didn't feel that anything was clear. I hadn't received my sign. But a few days later, while I was on vacation, my cell phone rang. It was a call from our parish and they were going to be able to provide us with assistance too! And so now this was really happening, it was really within out reach! Bingo - my sign!!
I tell you, God has worked miracles for us here, because who would have thought there was any aid money left this late in the game? It's incredible! I have definitely learned how to put things in His hands now. It really is a bit like jumping off a cliff into blackness. I know applying to a school doesn't seem quite that drastic, but for us it was. We really were putting ourselves out into something that seemed out of our reach and we had no idea how it would work out. God can do anything, anything! So always listen, always trust His call. If He calls you He will equip you.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Let's try this again
Okay, well, here I am (again!) trying to write in this blog. I thought I would start all over (again!) with a fresh coat of paint (like the new template?) and a snappy new title (couldn't think of one so it hasn't changed). I am hoping it inspires me. I have been struggling with my anxiety all summer long and I am hoping that if I can just start writing again it will help me get all those racing thoughts out of my head. I am sorry to dump all of it on you, but, well, that's how it's going to have to be. Maybe you can take something from it or maybe you will just curse me for putting more thoughts into your own head! I don't know. Either way, I am attempting it, so I hope you hang in there with me. I used to try really hard to write witty essays, smattered with funny observations here and there, but that is just too much pressure. I think it's been awhile since I did that anyway. Hope you will like my new journal style, or maybe it will creep back into essay form anyway. Who knows?! It's a new adventure!
It's been a terribly long time since I have visited any other blogs, so I will be going through the links on my sidebar and possibly deleting/changing things around. If you have a new link you want me to add let me know. Or a new blog you think I should read, let me know that too. Or your random thoughts, I'd like those too. Unless your thoughts are uncharitable. That would be a no no.
Well the old me would want a nice clean way of ending a post, and I would deliberate over my closing endlessly (hard to tell from the final product I know), but this is one of those things that keeps me from posting. So the new me will just say Ciao. Abruptly. Okay, well, Ciao!
It's been a terribly long time since I have visited any other blogs, so I will be going through the links on my sidebar and possibly deleting/changing things around. If you have a new link you want me to add let me know. Or a new blog you think I should read, let me know that too. Or your random thoughts, I'd like those too. Unless your thoughts are uncharitable. That would be a no no.
Well the old me would want a nice clean way of ending a post, and I would deliberate over my closing endlessly (hard to tell from the final product I know), but this is one of those things that keeps me from posting. So the new me will just say Ciao. Abruptly. Okay, well, Ciao!
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