Once again here I am determined to start blogging again. Just as before, the immediacy of Facebook has distracted me from this blog. But that's all Facebook is - a distraction. At least most of the time. It is also a wonderful resource and place of good friends, prayer warriors, like minded thinkers, and support. But, 85% of the time, I am playing Scrabble or linking to comics, letting myself be distracted from real life, so I don't have to think. On the other hand, writing, journaling, blogging, is cathartic. It's the exact opposite of distraction because here I am forced to think, and that exercise is good, it's what I need.
This has been a dessert summer for me. I've talked about my depression many times in this blog, but this summer I may have been hit with one of the biggest episodes I've had since after having my first child, when PPD slammed into me so hard I didn't even know who I was or what or who I wanted to be.
I had a miscarriage at the beginning of this summer. Yes, that is sad. I am okay with that though, I am completely resigned to always allowing the Lord's will to reign my life, so that is okay. But what happened was, after discovering I was pregnant I had to change my depression meds - strike 1. I also had to change my sleep meds from an anti-anxiety that just stopped my racing thoughts at night, to an actual sleep aid, which causes lethargy and depression, but does bring blissful, uninterrupted sleep ( a rarity in my life) - strike 2. Then the hormones hit. First the pregnancy ones and then the miscarriage ones - strike 3. I was out. Down and out. On top of that, some other personal events went on in our family life (since those involve others I'll not be more specific). Even my kids were saying this was the worse summer ever.
Then, I lost God. He didn't lose me, I felt that keenly, but I lost Him. And I couldn't figure out how to get back. I wanted to. My soul leaned in the Lord's direction so hard it was painful. It still is. I'm still crawling out of this hole, which is two steps forward, one step back. But I couldn't pray. Intellectually I wanted to pray. I knew I needed to pray. I mean I still talked to God, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't listen. I didn't (don't) know how to stop the constant patter in my head enough to be quiet. I talk about the Lord all day, and I babble at Him, but I never stop to hear what He has to say or to even find out what subject He would like to discuss. I'm the head of His fan club, but I don't even know Him.
My soul knows Him though. My soul has been in His presence enough times to know it wanted to get back there. Like I said, at time the sensation is physically painful, and certainly emotionally painful. How is that? How can getting back to someone you love so much, and someone that you are confident loves you even more, be so painful? How can it hurt so much you have to crawl and take breaks to curl up in a ball and cry?
I have been so thankful for this pain though. There was a time in my life when my soul was dying. I was killing it. If the wages of sin are death, and the Lord has assured us it is, then each sin is a nail in the coffin of your soul. You are killing it. And believe me, mine was a shadow of life, hanging on for all it was worth. It leaned towards God then too, but was so far away it was merely a distraction. Thank you Jesus, thank you my Mother, Our Lady, for bringing me gently back, and thank you Father for forgiving my sins and healing me. I know I am healed because now the loss of God is so agonizing.
Well, anyway, I am getting better. Now instead of two steps and one back, it's like five steps and one back. And I am praying again and sitting quietly with the Lord again, letting Him do the talking. Usually. I still run and hide too. That's part of depression, desperately wanting help and desperately wanting to get away from help too. It's such a selfish disease. Those of you who are reading by this and have been praying for me the whole time - God bless you. You are my life line. I don't know what I would do without all of my beautiful, faithful, prayer warrior friends. Even in the pit I felt the grace the Lord poured down in answer to your prayers. Even in a pit one can feel the rain. Everyone else, could you pray for me too? I pray for grace and blessings for all who pass by this blog and read these words.
St. Dymphna, pray for those afflicted with depression and other mental illnesses that magnify our separation from God. A good priest told me once that there are two kinds of people in the world - those who suffer from depression, and those who know they suffer from depression. For that is what depression is - separation from God, the result of our fallen nature, the result of original sin. Some day there will be a new Heaven on Earth and depression will exist no longer. Pray for us all, that all souls will breach the gap, and will come to the Lord before the end of time.
