My baby girl is only two months old and already I have heard every variation of "Are you done yet?", "You going for #6?", "How many do you plan to have?" etc, 20 times over. Seriously. I can hardly leave the house without someone asking me that, which is so weird to me because most of my friends, both in "real life" and online have 4 or more. I guess I just hang with a cooler crowd, because apparently most people have not heard of this in all their lives.
This has got me really thinking. Obviously I do not plan to use birth control, but I don't really know how to use NFP either (also obvious, ha ha). So I've been asking myself, am I done yet?
There is a class being offered at a parish in my town, but I think it starts too early for us to join. I'm not exactly back to any kind of cycle, so I wouldn't be able to apply any of what I was learning, and I'm pretty sure part of the class is to go home and chart. Thinking about all of this made me realize that I'm not really sure exactly where I stand on NFP anyway. I mean, I know where the Church stands and I understand all of that to some degree. I know the Church approves of Natural Family Planning. But here's where it gets confusing for me.
My understanding, and please feel free to correct me, maybe it will help me wade through all of this, but my understanding is that the Church approves of natural family planning to limit the number of children in a family only for good cause (my words, can't remember the actual wording of that). But good cause is kind of left up to the individual to decide. So, I think we can all agree that the health of the mother is good cause. If it is going to endanger your life to carry and give birth to a child then you should use NFP to avoid pregnancy. I've also heard priests (specifically Father Corapi on EWTN whom I love) that financial reasons can be good cause, but it has to be a real financial concern not, I won't be able to afford my luxury SUV and Penthouse suite or whatever. But what I can't figure out is how do you know where to draw the line? I mean, I'm not living in a shelter or receiving food stamps, but money is tight. However, theoretically, I could move to a smaller house and reduce my mortgage for extra money, right? Or something along those lines. It seems to me that maybe it shouldn't be a concern until you've exhausted all your options without ending up on the streets.
I've also heard that mental health can be good cause. Well, how do you define that? I have suffered from post-partum depression after some of my pregnancies, and I've suffered from mild depression and an anxiety disorder for most of my adult life. It can be controlled with medication, but not in the third trimester or when you are nursing. Plus, although it does affect my parenting sometimes, it doesn't keep me from functioning as a parent. But who's to say when I'll go off the deep end?
The real sticking point for me however is this: Wait! Disclaimer! These are just my feelings. I understand what the Church teaches, and this is a very personal topic, and I am not trying to pick an argument with anyone, because I have seen this explode on other blogs, but here is the sticking point for me: despite having it explained to me several times, I still don't really understand what is the difference between a calendar and a condom? And if I were to accept that, for me, there was no difference, then what am I saying? That I am prepared to have 8,9, 10 children? more? I have no idea if I am or not.
Do not get me wrong. I love love love my children and I admire immensely those big families. There are many times when I wish that I did have one of those big families. It really looks wonderful. But I am so tired. My memory is completely gone, which I believe is a product of my depression and anxiety, though I am feeling mostly good in that department this time around, thanks be to God!! My varicose veins are better now but were really awful while I was pregnant. I feel pretty burned out and battered right now. I just can't imagine doing this again, even though I appreciate the wonderfulness of a new little person.
My husband is driving me crazy because he doesn't know what to think. I tried to be a good wife and defer to him in the decision making on this, but he seems not to know, or have an opinion, or whatever. He's like that. He's not a planner. But he also is stressed all the time about finances so you'd think he'd have something to say on the subject. Maybe that is his decision. Maybe the indecision is the decision, if that makes sense? Maybe he really is willing to leave it all up to God's plan with no planning on our own, natural or otherwise. I know that I want to live a life that places all trust in God. I just wish God didn't trust me so much.
11 comments:
The difference between the calendar and the condom is that the condom places an artificial barrier between the two of you. With the calendar, although you are abstaining during what should be a fertile time, you are still open to having children knowing full well that if God wants it to be so, it will be.
I understand the thoughtfulness you are having in going through this decision. I would say keep praying about it and talk to a priest you trust to explain to you truly the teaching behind NFP.
Good luck! I will be praying for you!
You are so timely in this post, I have been working on a post covering my thoughts on NFP for two days! I can't seem to sort it all out, especially because I worry about an "explosion" on my own blog.
I feel I could have written these words myself... from feeling confused as to where to draw the line financially, how to handle my depression/anxiety, etc.
I don't think you need to make ANY decision right now! It is a time for rest (as you just delivered another angel) and discernment. Pray without ceasing... and remember that "God doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called!"
Cassie, this is a very thoughtful post. I am currently trying to learn NFP as well. My husband is having a vasectomy reversal in two days. We don't know if it will be successful, in that God will grant us more children, and he's not doing it for that reason alone. However, I want to learn NFP not because I want to "prevent" pregnancy. I think, after doing some research and looking at all the methods and church teachings and talking to ladies who practice NFP, it is not so much a way to control birth but a way of life. It is remaining open to God and His will in our lives and a deepening of our marital committment to one another so that we offer all of ourselves to each other without holding back that which God has given us as gifts. Responsible parenting includes all that about finances and mental health and so forth. God alone knows how much your family can handle. You are 100% right to trust Him in everything. My thoughts are go ahead and learn the method now, even though you may not be able to accurately chart at this time. It is more than just learning when you are fertile or not. It is learning the signs and signals of your body. And can alert you to much more than ovulation. I have found, in the short time I've been "learning" NFP ,that I am more aware of the changes in my body, my moods and have a better understanding of how our hormones impact our mental and physical health. NFP can only benefit your life and marriage. It will not detract from but only enhance. Hope this was helfpul. You are in my prayers daily!
We are going to an NFP class in March. We would love to have another baby, but I feel like I need to know the ins and outs. This was a great post. There is so much to consider. I always think to myself, "If God is willing, then so am I." I had to think that way with Frack...I was pregnant with him when Frick was just 6 months old! :)
Cassie,
I know this has been an issue with you for a long time. I guess to truly trust in God is to just let it go and not worry at all. Of course, that's much easier said than done. I would also suggest at least learning the method. Using self control to avoid pregnancy should not be looked down on (isn't that the basis for abstinence programs?) If God wants you to have another, no amount of self control will work, He always finds a way!
Kathy
Wow what great responses ladies. Therese you said it perfectly NFP is being open to children always and never withholding anything from your spouse. It is also a way of teaching intimacy through non-sexual ways that helps strengthen marriages. I find NFP is also a great tool for teaching communication b/c both spouses participate. I use the Creighton model which is medically based you should use NFP for your health as well. It is useful in detecting any health issues, my MIL discovered her cancer by her charts and it was so useful to her doctor. As far as when to stop or delay I believe that is between you and God, together you decided how to plan your family and definitely talk with a priest you trust who is aligned with the churches teaching.
Ellen
Check out my post on using nfp contraceptively!!
I would definitely turn to NFP, and learn it ASAP.
The sooner you have an understanding, the better.
I definitely wouldn't turn to artificial contraception.
And it's good in a way your husband isn't pressing you to stop at all costs in having anymore children, he sounds like he is open to more life, which is great!
And like everyone else said, the rest is in God's hands.
I couldn't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but God will give you peace if you abide by His rules and pray about it.
Talk to an orthodox priest who is not wishy-washy in his views and get onto the NFP ways, either the charting or taking your temperature, or both.
God bless, and I will pray you will find peace soon and trust in God.
Regina
Oh Regina, I really feel the need to say this: artificial contraception is NEVER, and will NEVER, be an option for me. If I gave the impression that I was considering that, well, that was a total miscommunication. The choices I feel I am looking at are to control the size of my family through NFP - which to me still feels like imposing my own will rather than following God's - or just keep having children unfettered, which wouldn't be at all bad, but might be exhausting, both physically and financially.
Hi Cassie,
I'm so sorry for 'my' misunderstanding.
I suppose I wasn't sure how you were feeling about the decision after you wrote:
"I still don't really understand what is the difference between a calendar and a condom?"
Glad you cleared that up...and sorry again:)
As I said, I will pray for you during this difficult time & may God bless you.
Regina
Hi! I don't know if this is helpful or not, but Christopher West explained (or rather asked a question) that helped clear up the difference between using a calendar (NFP) and a condom (contraception). He asked: Well, what's the difference between a miscarriage and an abortion? With NFP you do nothing to thwart God's will/his design for marriage & babies whereas with contraception you take matters into your own hands. Anyhow, I understand your struggle. My hubby and I are debating whether to chart at all (it still feels like "control") or just tossing it out the window and just letting things happen. We'll pray for you (& please pray for us, too!)
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